Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
